I'm not going to say it again!

Oh my! I should get on this thing more often I know. I really have had great intentions, but just don't seem to get the job done. Life comes at me fast now days. I thrilled that I remember to put my underwear on everyday! I'm trying to remember where I left off since my last post. I have sent 2 more letters to his BM, but have not heard back from her. I really don't expect to, and honestly don't know what I'd think if I did hear from her. This is going to sound strange I know, but most days, I forget that I didn't birth him myself. Silly me, but I forget about her every day of the month until it comes time to print pictures and write her letter. I thought it might get easier each time, but it really hasn't. It's still a very unnatural thing, but there again, so is adoption, and God has made that an extremely natural process for us. I tried to upload his monthly pictures for you, but I can't figure out how to rotate them. They're saved correctly in my pictures, but upload sideways. I'll keep trying though.
Now for the adoption update. We have a couple of serious prayer needs. Long story short, I received a call last week from the attorney's office in Utah that I had been in contact with during our stay there. I have been trying to contact him ever since we've been home, but have not been successful. They informed me that they have no memory of us at all. There is no file on us at his office. A petition to the court in Utah that was supposed to be submitted within the first 30 days of Bennett's life was not done, nor has the birth fathers rights be term Salt Lake City area, and have yet to speak with anyone interested in taking our case on. I was suprised yesterday when I was calling around how rude they were. The secretaries treated me like I was a solicitor selling them granola from Hong Kong. There is a lawyer that the couple we stayed with in Utah referred us to. He is a believer which is comforting, but he's also very busy. So, I haven't been able to speak with him directly either. We're just continuing to pray that the Lord brings the right attorney to us. Hopefully, we'll hear something back soon and someone will be able to answer our questions. Please continue to pray for us and that this whole matter gets solved quickly and painlessly. Our trust is still completely in the Lord, so we'll just sit back and wait for Him to move! Thanks for praying! Until next time.......

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to."

Wow-I'm a terrible blogger so this is long!

Hello! Sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have had several attempts , but with no success! So, finally I'm updating. By the pure grace of God, we were home on the 2nd of August. This was a huge answer to prayer. We were greeted by a lot of our close friends and family, so Bennett had a great welcome home party at the airport. Since then, we've just tried to get settled, as if that is really achievable! I spend my days wiping the cutest little hiney you've ever seen and catching spit up from the most beautiful little mouth! I love being a mom! Bennett is doing great. He eats good, and sleeps, well, good sometimes which is better than never! He's just perfect for us! I couldn't be more confident that he is our baby. The transition into motherhood has not been bad at all. I have however been somewhat surprised at peoples reactions to him and I together. There hasn't been a day since we've been home that I haven't had to explain why I don't have stretch marks. I had a lady in Wal-mart just yesterday that saw him in my buggy and totally invited herself into our personal space for a closer view! She went on and on about how cute he was, and then asked with doubt in her voice, "Is he yours?" I immediately answered yes because that would be the correct answer. It didn't even register with me what she meant until she proceeded to tell me how much she hated me because I didn't look like I had just had a child. I never corrected her wrong assumption that I birthed him. Had she asked if I had delivered him, I of course would have been truthful, but she didn't. I refuse for the next 18 years to describe him as my adopted son. Is he adopted? Yes. But does that tiny little fact come before all the others words I could choose to describe him? No! He's just Bennett. And he's just ours!
I had to send Sara (will call his BM this from here on out) his first set of pictures and a letter. This was a harder task than I thought it would be. Bennett is not doing much other than pooping, sleeping, and crying, so I took the opportunity this time to let her know once again how much I love her. It has become very important to me that she know and understand that the love I have for her has relatively nothing to do with Bennett. People have talked a lot about gratefulness since we adopted him as it pertains to being grateful to Sara because she gave her son to us. I don't mean to sound unappreaciative, but I"m not grateful to Sara because she "gave us her son." I am grateful to Sara because she chose life! She had the option of just terminating her pregnancy, and she chose to carry him to term. I couldn't be more grateful for her decision, but I am not grateful to Sara for "choosing" us. I am thoroughly grateful to the Lord because He is the one who chose us for Bennett. He softened Sara's heart to us and allowed us the opportunity of raising him. And we continue to be humbled and honored, once again, for the chance to love Bennett. In Sara's letter, I told her some of the specifics that I am praying over her life and gave her the opportunity to let us know if there was anything else that she wanted us to pray for. We'll wait and see if we hear back. Thank you for all of your prayers. The Lord heard them and has done what you have asked of him in Jesus' name! Please continue to pray with us for Sara. The Lord loves her tremendously and is just waiting on her to come to him. I know that I may never know while I'm here on earth the effect of our prayers. But I am believing in faith that I'll see her again in the glory of Christ! Okay, that's all for now. I really am going to start setting aside time to update this thing. I really am sorry that it has taken me this long. Thanks again for all of your encouragement and prayers. We have felt them! Until next time.....off to a hungry little man!

Paperwork Update

This afternoon we got a call from our case manager saying that her office had been contacted by the home state in need of missing paperwork. She told me that her office manager was out of the office for the rest of the day and wouldn't get to it until tomorrow sometime. She told me to contact the lady who conducted our home study to see if she could help. Our home study lady had a message on her voicemail saying that she was out of the office, how long I don't know, for a death in the family and could only be reached if out of extreme emergency. Though, this seems urgent to us, I didn't think she would view the urgency the same. Luckily, I had brought with me all of our adoption paperwork from February to now. So, I contacted the home state and actually was able to speak to the lady reviewing our paperwork. She allowed me to fax to her all of the necessary forms, which only leaves one form (that only the agency has) to be faxed tomorrow. It was my understanding that as soon as she gets this form, we are cleared to come home. If this takes place early enough tomorrow, we may be able to move our flight up to tomorrow night. If not, we will just come home on Saturday. If we don't get cleared tomorrow, then we will more than likely come home on the scheduled 5th of August. Tomorrow is a make or break it kind of day. We're holding out for this weekend, but if we have to go longer, we'll make the best of it! Once again, we can't thank you enough for praying for us. Hope to see you soon!

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength."
-Corrie Ten Boom

Lukas Bennett

Well, my original plan was to update this blog frequently once we arrived here in Utah to give everyone updates on what was going on. Unfortunately, Bennett is a week old and I'm just now having a chance to let everyone know that he's here. He was born on Wednesday of last week, and the week has really flown by, well, sort of. The BM had to have an emergency C-section because Bennett was in distress and wasn't pulling out of it. The BM was induced at 7:00 that morning and he was born at 10:31! It was a whirlwind! We found out after the fact, that the cord was wrapped around his neck extremely tight, and at one point during her epidural, they didn't have a heartbeat for him, which is why they rushed her into surgery. I could talk for days about our experience from that point on, but I think I'll just sum it up with a couple of words: hard, heartbreaking, joyous, exciting, an emotional rollercoaster. I knew that this experience was different, but there is nothing that could have prepared me for what we just lived through. The Lord was faithful, as He always is, which honestly on some days, was all I had to hold on to. Although the experience was nothing like anything either of us had ever been through, I can tell you that the Lord moved mightly in it and did give us a little glimpse into His greatness. I had prayed when we started this journey, that our BM would see the Lord in us. And the burden became even greater when we found out about Bennett. It was really important to me that she look at me and not see me, but see Him. I had big plans for our interactions, our conversations. I wanted to love her. I wanted to pray for her. And I did love her. And we had the opportunity to pray for her. But nothing meant as much to me as this....When they were wheeling her back for her C-section, her case manager ran out into the waiting room dressed in all of her surgical apparel and said that she wanted me! I took off running down the hall because there wasn't much time, and when I got to her, all she wanted was for me to hug her as she cried. I'm crying now just thinking it! Her case manager was in awe because she had never had a BM request to see the adoptive mom in a situation like that. I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with the whole hospital situation in the days following his birth, and the Lord reminded me that eventhough the situation wasn't going as I had originally thought it would, He was still moving in it. And that was obvious when she called on me for comfort. Whether she recognized it or not, she saw Him in me which was exactly what I had prayed for. I wanted her to see Him, and I'm convinced she did. I don't say that to brag on me. I'm nothing special, but I do believe that at 10:15 on the 23rd of July, the Lord used me as his vessel to comfort the hurting and scared. I couldn't have asked for anything more honoring. It was a pretty humbling experience that I am extremely grateful for. Bennett is doing great! We've been out of the hospital since Friday and have been staying with a family that we hooked up with through some mutual friends. They have a been a huge blessing and have made the time here go by faster, if that's possible! Our paperwork has been delivered to Utah and will hopefully be delivered to the home state by tomorrow. Our return flight home is scheduled for the 5th of August. We are praying that our paperwork ends up in the hands of someone very merciful that speeds the process up a great deal. This right now is our biggest prayer request! We are ready to go home and get our life back chaotic normal. I promise I'll post more as I know it! Thanks for all of your prayers! We have felt extremely loved, and we really appreciate all of you! Until next time........


"There are only two ways to live your life. One is though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein

At Last!

God never ceases to amaze me in how quick He can move in any given circumstance. The agency with the BM I have been blogging about called on Monday to give me her social/medical history. Everything sounded great! Even though I had never talked to the BM, I felt as if I knew her just after hearing her M/S history. The agency said they would get our profile to her on Monday afternoon, so we anticipated hearing back one way or another by next week. Well, they called on Tuesday evening and congratulated us-she had picked us! We had a conference call with the BM Wednesday night, and I love her! If I could have "designed" (for lack of a better term) a BM, how she would act and sound etc., it would be her. We were told on Tuesday that her due date had been moved up from the 14th of August to the 6th, which was fine with me because that's my birthday. But, then she told me that they would more than likely induce her on the 30th. We were ecstatic, but knew that we had a lot of planning to do in little time. Oh, we just thought that was little time. They called me yesterday and said that they are 99% sure that she is going to have him on the 23rd. Yes, the 23rd of July---5 days from now! We are still really excited, but a tiny bit more stressed because of all the stuff we have got to get done in practically a blink of an eye! They told us to anticipate being in Utah for up to 2 weeks. I wasn't real thrilled about this until I realized that we will be in a hotel room which will not have a kitchen. Meaning, I won't have to cook. Nor will I feel the need to constantly be doing laundry or other busy work projects because these projects won't exist at the hotel. I'll do the necessary laundry there, but I won't feel like I have to be cleaning and doing the dishes, etc. I'm sure you mommas know what I mean. We booked our flights last night and I am going today to register. Our showers will have to be after he's here. We still haven't decided on a name. This could be a drawn out process with Jonathan! I'm sure that I will be updating a lot more now that I have someone to update about! I am going to try to figure out how to add photos to this blog. I know how to add them to myspace, so if I don't get them added here, I 'll at least have them on my myspace. Thank you for your prayers and keep praying. We need them now more than ever! And please pray for our BM as well. She really is a sweet, loving person who is a great mom! Not only has this been a difficult situation for her, but she has other stresses in her life that need to be lifted up as well so that the Lord can intervene on her behalf. Thanks again! We appreciate it all!


"For I am mindful of the plans I have for you, says the Lord; plans for good not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Ugh!

Well, there's not really much to blog about. I thought that I would hear back this week from the agency with the boy due in August, but I didn't. She left me a message on Tuesday to tell me that she was waiting on the bm's social history and she was pretty sure she would get that either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. I thought I would hear from her on Wednesday, but I didn't. I am hoping that I hear back early this week, and possibly they will present to the bm later this week. Ugh! On a brighter note, we bought a crib mattress today. This was exciting! It doesn't feel very comfortable, but apparently babies sleep on firm mattresses. Who knew? Hopefully, we'll agree on a crib this week and get that ordered. I'll update again next week once I've heard back from the agency. Have a great week!

Back to the Real World

We have just spent the last week in Orange Beach soaking up the sun and doing absolutely nothing. It was awesome. I haven't updated in a while because there really hasn't been much to update. The two main agencies that we regularly check have not had much activity, so we haven't had much to talk about. As of tonight, the BM that is due at the end of the summer has not returned any of the agencies attempts to contact her. So, it's safe to say that she's out of the picture. I contacted one of these agencies today regarding a BM that is due with a boy in August. This particular agency does not put a cap on how many profiles their BM get to look at, so I feel pretty good that we'll have the opportunity to be presented to this BM. Other than this one situation, we're somewhat in a dry place. But as we have learned, these dry places come and go, and we're not here long before another opportunity presents itself. Hopefully I will talk to the agency tomorrow and find out more info about the boy in August. I anticipate the other agency will be updating with new situations by the end of the week. We'll keep praying and hopefully soon, we'll have more to blog about! Until next time........


When God puts you on hold- don't hang up!

I forgot!

I forgot to update about where we are right now in this journey. We haven't heard back on the baby girl due at the end of summer. Hopefully we'll hear back sometime this week one way or another. I'm not too worked up about it. We were contacted yesterday in fact, regarding a baby boy born Saturday. We would have had to travel today in order to pick him up at the hospital tomorrow. He was going to cost a lot more money and that money would've had to have been transferred this morning. We had one hour to decide, and we decided to decline. Still not the one. I have to admit, I hate this part in the process and can assure you that it is not our intention to keep turning down babies. But, we once again something wasn't right. We feel very confident in our decision and are continuing to pray that God gives us grace and strength to hang in there until the right one comes along. Forgive me if I sound like I'm searching for a new car. On paper that's what it sounds like. But it definitely doesn't feel like that. It's a major decision that most people never have to make, and when it's what the Lord wants, Jonathan and I will both be at peace. We're both very ready for that day to come, and are praying that it comes very soon. As soon as I here back on the baby girl, I'll update and let you know. Thanks for praying for us! We are needing it more and more! Have a great week!

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
-Corrie Ten Bloom

Father's Day

I didn't get my dad a Father's day card. I didn't even get him a gift. In fact, he cooked Jonathan and I dinner. How messed up is that? I know, pretty messed up. So, I decided to honor him at the beginning of this blog. Here goes.....My dad is one amazing man. Perfect? No. But amazing? Yes. And the best part about it is- he's mine. There has never been a moment in my life, when I haven't been proud of him. Not because he's accomplished great things, but because of who he is. Jonathan turned 30 in February and we went to dinner with my parents and his parents to celebrate. I sat across the table from my dad and watched him. At some point during dinner I looked up as he was spreading an enormous amount of honey mustard on a bite of his bread and I had this incredible amount of love overwhelm me. I have never really had a preference to the gender of the child we adopt, but that night, I really desired a girl. Not for me, but for Jonathan. There is no love like the love a daughter has for her dad. My mom is my best friend, but the love I have for her is different. Not less might I point out, just different. It's hard to describe in words. I just know that as I have gotten older and the further we have gone in this adoption process, the more I have desired for Jonathan to be a father to a daughter. I want to be sitting across the table 25 years from now with my daughter's inlaws and her husband, and have her look at Jonathan the way I look at my dad, and love him in her heart the way I love my dad. My dad deserves it, and I think Jonathan does too. I'm grateful for my dad and I'm thankful that because he's so good at loving me, I've known firsthand what it's like to be loved by the Father. Thanks Dad!

Update.....Crazy!

I haven't been blogging regularly because we've been waiting to here back from the agency as to whether or not they were going to continue to work with us. Well, on Wednesday night I got a call from the birthmom's case worker apologizing for just now getting back with me. Long story short, she said that since our last visit the agency has found out that the bm has been to the doctor a lot and has had 5 ultrasounds before her 20th week. The agency spoke with the bm's doctor and he said that there has never been a chance of multiples. There is only one baby and that is the way it has always been. He couldn't understand why the bm would be telling that it was multiples. The bm finally returned the case worker's call on Tuesday night, and when confronted with the situation, replied with another lie that she had just found out herself during a recent trip to the er. The case worker thinks that the bm might have made this whole multiples story up to give her a good "reason" to give her child up for adoption. If it were multiples, people would probably support her decision more than if they knew it was just one baby. The agency told us to think about it and get back with them on whether or not we wanted to proceed knowing now that it will be a single birth. I was speechless. How can you sleep at night carrying a burden this large? My first thought was "Did she not think that we would find out?" We were, after all, the couple she selected to take home her child/children. How could she sit on the phone with us for an hour asking us if we were ready to take on multiples? She told me they were identical for heavens sake and that they would be born in August. I don't know how long she thought she could keep this up, but it didn't quite go as she had planned. Jonathan and I talked about it last night, and I called today to decline for the final time. In the last two weeks, we've moved on. Whether it is one, two, or three babies, it's not for us. This isn't our baby and we couldn't be more at peace with our decision. The agency supports our decision and is going to submit us early next week to a bm in CA that is due with a girl sometime this summer. This may not be our baby either, but at least we're able to move forward. I'm just excited to have dismounted this horse for the last time! Thanks again for praying for us. We are very encouraged and our looking forward to what the Lord has for us in this next phase of our journey. I just pray it's not as bumpy as it has been in the last couple of weeks! I'll keep you posted as soon as I know something new!


When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.
-Unknown

Bittersweet

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain. -Dolly Parton

When I last updated, we had been submitted to the mom with twins. I received an email last Tuesday saying that our profile had been mailed on that day to her. On Thursday, I got a call saying that we had been selected by this couple, and they would like a conference call with us and her case worker this past weekend. The case worker informed me prior to telling me that we had been selected that the mom had been to the ER and the ultrasound had revealed that there were two babies, but that the agency thought there were three! They had no medical confirmation of the triplets she said, so I assumed the birthmom was right. We were elated! I couldn't believe that we had been chosen! I called Jonathan immediately and told him the news. When I told him the part about the agency thinking it was triplets he was silent, but I reassured him that the birthmom said it was twins. We had our conference call on Sunday (two days ago), and it went awesome. I loved her! She was everything that I hoped she would be. Conversation flowed smoothly, and I felt great! She told me they were identical and that they would be finding out the gender next month. Again, very exciting! Towards the end of the conversation I told her that I knew she had been to the ER and it was twins, but I was wondering if there was still a chance it could be triplets or if they had ruled that out completely. She was somewhat taken back by my question, understandably so, and answered with "Oh, it's not twins. It's definitely triplets." My heart sunk. The call was dropped due to bad connection I am assuming and Jonathan and I spent the rest of the night in complete fog as to what we should do. Jonathan and I have prayed, talked, and prayed some more on what our decision should be. By far, this has been the hardest decision we have ever had to make. After much discussion and prayer, we have decided to decline. We've dreamed a lot about being parents, so some might think we're foolish. But, we simply did not have peace. We feel confident in our decision, but that doesn't necessarily make it easy. It's bittersweet! Bitter because we wanted these to be the babies for us and they're not; Sweet because we know that the perfect baby or babies that God has created for us is out there and still needs us. When you pray for us, please pray for her, the birthmom of these triplets. She is a great mom and a sweet person who needs a lot of direction in choosing a new adoptive family. Our decision will probably cost us a relationship with a very large adoption agency. We are praying this is not the case, but are prepared to move on.

Brief Overview

We are using a consultant firm that originated in Georgia, but our consultant lives in Kansas City. This firm is not a facilitator or anything of the sort. They are only there to walk us through the process and answer any questions we have along the way. They have contact with several agencies in states that they feel have good adoption laws. When we decided to use this consultant firm, we had been told that on average, it should take between 4-6 months from start to finish (in a few cases it has been shorter, and in some longer). We began the process in February of this year. Everything up to this point has gone by really fast. We have completed our home study as well as all of the necessary paperwork for several agencies, and have now have entered the waiting period. We have access to some of the agencies' websites, and are able to check their "available situations" (aka birthmoms who have decided to place their child or children up for adoption) online. We check these websites regularly and contact the agency when we would like for a certain birthmother to look at our profile. Up until this week, we thought we had submitted our profile to 5 different birthmoms. But on Monday of this week, we found out that all of them have fallen through except one. So, as of today, we have been submitted to a birthmom who is carrying twins!! What are we thinking you ask? We're not sure! Jonathan gets excited thinking about the possibility of twins. I, on the other hand, immediately feel fatigued and my eyelids get puffy from the thought of such sleep deprivation. We should hear something in a couple of weeks. We have been told that this part of the process is the hardest, and can be the most discouraging. But the Lord has been extremely gracious to us, and has blessed us with a tremendous amount of peace and strength. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement! We really appreciate it!

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, `Give them up!' and to the south, `Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth-- --- Isaiah 43: 5-6

Hey!

Hello everyone! I have finally decided to start blogging, so here's an attempt to get you caught up on what is going on in our lives and hopefully I'll be consistent in updating this every week.

Jonathan and I have been married for almost seven years now, and have loved every minute of it. After a year of being married, we decided it was time for us to start planning for a family. We went through a couple of years of medicine and ultrasounds. Then we saw an infertility specialist in Tulsa where we went through one cycle of AI and one IVF cycle. Long story short, here we are almost 6 years later still planning for a family only now it is through the eyes of adoption. Now, let me preface this blog by stating that adoption for us is not a second best plan. We have not decided to adopt because we have lost hope of ever having a biological child. Even though we have been told that medically there is no hope, we serve a very good God who is much bigger than any medical intervention. But this isn't about being pregnant- it's about being a mom, and I don't have to birth a child to do that. For now, God may have closed my womb, but He has opened our hearts to the gift of adoption. We couldn't be more thrilled! We are excited about the new adventure of parenthood, and will keep you posted on the details of our journey.